Such a long time,
Such a deep fog.
Every sigh, every breath;
It took so long.
So long for your head to clear.
For you to leave, for you to seek clean air.
The walls pressing in, muting every step;
You were muffled, quiet, and unkempt.
So we opened the curtains, and unlocked the door.
I could see it in your eyes, begging for more.
For light colors, for fresh air.
For a made bed, and clean hair.
Your eyes still dull,
but a light grew within.
Every breath every step, your walls began to thin.
My heart, once broken,
at the sight of your cracks.
Began to mend,
to heal, while your walls slowly cracked.
You were excited now, happy it seemed.
I should have known, all was not as it seemed.
The terror that engulfed you,
the rage that you felt.
At a world you saw give you hell.
Your walls that had cracked,
they were but one set.
Of a great many things,
Walls of regret.
Walls built of pain and anguish.
Of fear and lies
Walls built of masks
Out of fears and cries.
I remember your younger days,
a look flitting across your face.
‘No worries,’ you said. All lies.
You were only trapped in your head.
Only I say, no it was not only.
To be trapped in your own head is a nightmare. If only.
Ha! Those two words make it seem so easy, so simple.
You were always a dreamer, a vivid creator.
Of skies streaked with purple,
of people with painted hues.
Of worlds older than rust,
of stars burning new.
Yet, with everything you created,
with every picture made,
every story you wrote,
you could not escape.
You could not escape what you saw.
You could not escape what you felt.
And Terror filled you like a cold glass in summer.
Tearing you apart like ants at a picnic.
Each bite stinging
and piece by piece you fell away.
Every word you spoke laced with agony,
begging for help, as you smiled with apathy.
You knew something was wrong but you couldn’t say why.
Without the what, there was no why.
And how could you be normal,
if it was all in your head.
Who could ever love someone trapped, chained to a bed?
A bed of lies you dragged around all day.
With every doubt, every fear whispered,
where could you turn if you thought no one would listen?
Obviously there was something wrong,
if you couldn’t even feel.
Your heart was so strained,
Your soul in such pain.
Dear God sweet girl, how did you not go insane?
For years you trapped the anguish inside,
the love, the lust, the anger, the pride.
The righteous indignation,
the scorn, the cries.
And the unquenched ocean,
the sea of sadness encroaching your life.
It scratched at you,
you once called it a knife.
A dull blade, blunted on your emotions,
sharpened with your soul.
You created a world,
a place you could be whole.
Every time you woke,
so would this world.
A place of safety,
a place warmth and hope.
But as the pressure, however nonexistent, piled on,
you found it slipping, you began to run.
In your mind and body, you ran for dear life,
your grasp on your self-worth carved with a knife.
You could no longer feel the warmth of my love,
the hot kiss of anger and fear grew strong.
Panicking you finally called me,
with a convoluted story and tears on your cheeks.
Terror seized me as I fear the worst.
Holes in your memory, death at your door.
We got through it and we sent you off once more.
I waited impatiently, fear creeping to me once more.
The next call I got, with such bad news,
something I’d never considered or viewed.
You hadn’t felt in many long years,
I could hear your anger through your tears.
The fury you knew in your early days,
you had only pushed it down, in fear of your rage.
Afraid to lash out, you turn the other cheek,
but you simply locked it up and swallowed the key.
But anger is sadness, so it was locked to.
Fear followed sadness, though it didn’t go quietly,
Love and happiness seemed to go angrily.
If you lock up one, the rest will follow,
it threw you off balance, you said you were so hollow.
You felt empty and wrong, and feared for you life.
How could you stand walking that knife?
So we brought you home and let you vent.
Every story digging deeper into my soul.
I felt I had failed you,
I had done something wrong.
We had seen you withdraw,
so we did our best, not to push,
not to tug, we only meant the best.
You said you understood,
that you wouldn’t have responded,
but we only wish we had stopped it.
Stopped your pain and your fear.
Smothered you will love.
So you spoke with a woman,
to help you sort out,
everything you though you were,
and what you were now.
We talked and cried,
laughed and you lied.
It is hard and difficult,
but worth it all.
You are my moon and stars,
And I will give you it all.
As I picked up your pieces,
as I watched you through your eyes.
I realized I left you alone.
For my good intentions, I must atone.
So we opened the windows,
we pushed just enough.
Through tears, through fights,
we told you get up.
You deserve better,
for you and you alone.
You must do the best for you
and yourself alone.
Be selfish, and know that I love you.
I love you with each cell in my body.
I would live, die, and kill for you,
you’re not just anyone.
I gave you life with my body.
I gave you my time and my energy back then,
I continue to do so, it will never end.
For you are worth more than you think,
more than you know.
You are loved with every step you take,
with every hair you grow.
It is beautiful hair, you have been told before.
I will say it again, until my throat grows sore.
I will move the earth to love you.
I will still the stars to hold you.
You are mine, my sweet girl.
Nothing will change my love.
It will never cease its growth.
My heart feels rested with each new smile on your face.
Every genuine word crossing your lips.
We have far to travel,
places we have yet to go.
But you aren’t afraid to ask,
or unafraid to say no.
You feel safe in conversations,
you shy away less.
Dear God it makes me happy,
to see you untroubled, without stress.
I know it’s still there,
the worry and fear.
But you seem to know
I am here.
I am here for you my love,
my eldest child.
I am here for your mistakes and successes.
Your ups and downs.
Your rises and falls.
I am your mother.
I will be here for it all.
Until my last breath I will hold you tight
When gone I’ll watch as you sleep every night.
My words unheard, I will always say,
I love you sweet girl, even past my dying day.