Wanderlost

Sore, aching, itchy feet.

You meander, you march, you trudge.

Walking with a purpose or without, they still hurt.

Ocean to Ocean, crunching over leaves and ice.

You travel.

 

Over soft grass, through sinking sand

We travel.

 

Spread thin, chasing herds, running from enemies,

We travel.

 

Over hill, over dale,

Through bush and briar,

Through the woods and over the river,

We travel.

 

We explore, never content to rest.

Feet aching, hearts racing,

Bow singing praises to the prey.

 

Our feet ache and our legs burn.

But our hearts still yearn the road.

The untouched wild.

 

So we wander and explore.

Our feet light as air on sand and forest.

We wander, not lost, but never too certain.

 

It is our way.

Our desire.

Our path.

Diamonds

A puff of cool air swirls from the breath in your lungs.

It moves high above you, swirling and dancing, dissipating in the chilly evening air.

Your eyes are brought to the shining flecks high above you,

bright with mirth and heat.

You shiver and snuggle deep into your coat.

Eyes glinting, shimmering.

Watching, waiting.

For the glimmer,

the gleaming shimmer.

Of unbreakable diamonds;

lining the sky, guiding your path.

Fly

Through the air, through the night,

you long for a flight.

Your feathers are stretching,

itching for a fight.

 

Fight against blades, that cut so thin;

it’s almost like you’ll never breathe again.

 

Your foe is invisible, you struggle while you can,

for a taste of the freedom you feel is at hand.

 

As you flap and you fight,

climbing through the night,

clawing through the air

like a hawk in flight.

 

You soar ‘gainst the wind,

you push at the rain.

The storm is getting faster,

your wings are in pain.

But the clouds now have vanished,

your fight not in vain!

 

The sun is shining,

the warmth soothes the ache.

The wind is now a friend,

blowing air in your wake.

 

So you fly little birds,

you fly across the sand!

Fly with with the big birds,

perch on those who can’t.

 

Tell me of your travels,

guide me to your homes.

Show me everything,

every story I don’t know.

 

Then fly away farther,

push against the wind.

Tell me of your travels,

tell me of your friends!

 

This is the task,

I’ve set aside for you.

A lofty goal,

but you’ll come through.

 

Fly to the east,

Fly to the west.

Find a nice bird,

Maybe have a nest.

 

But heed my warning,

and know this.

You must tell them how to fly,

the refreshing bliss.

 

To fly is our freedom,

and battle in one.

A glorious war,

fought every generation.

 

So fly little bird,

hurry now quick

I long for more stories,

 

to calm the other chicks.

 

The Journey

Such a long time,

Such a deep fog.

 

Every sigh, every breath;

Everything.

 

It took so long.
So long for your head to clear.

For you to leave, for you to seek clean air.

The walls pressing in, muting every step;

You were muffled, quiet, and unkempt.

 

So we opened the curtains, and unlocked the door.

I could see it in your eyes, begging for more.

 

For light colors, for fresh air.

For a made bed, and clean hair.

 

Your eyes still dull,

but a light grew within.

Every breath every step, your walls began to thin.

 

My heart, once broken,

at the sight of your cracks.

Began to mend,

to heal, while your walls slowly cracked.

 

You were excited now, happy it seemed.

I should have known, all was not as it seemed.

 

The terror that engulfed you,

the rage that you felt.

At a world you saw give you hell.

 

Your walls that had cracked,

they were but one set.

Of a great many things,

Walls of regret.

 

Walls built of pain and anguish.

Of fear and lies

Walls built of masks

Out of fears and cries.

 

 

I remember your younger days,

a look flitting across your face.

‘No worries,’ you said. All lies.

 

You were only trapped in your head.

 

Only I say, no it was not only.

To be trapped in your own head is a nightmare. If only.

Ha! Those two words make it seem so easy, so simple.

 

You were always a dreamer, a vivid creator.

Of skies streaked with purple,

of people with painted hues.

Of worlds older than rust,

of stars burning new.

 

Yet, with everything you created,

with every picture made,

every story you wrote,

you could not escape.

 

You could not escape what you saw.

You could not escape what you felt.

And Terror filled you like a cold glass in summer.

Tearing you apart like ants at a picnic.

Each bite stinging

and piece by piece you fell away.

 

Every word you spoke laced with agony,

begging for help, as you smiled with apathy.

You knew something was wrong but you couldn’t say why.

Without the what, there was no why.

 

And how could you be normal,

if it was all in your head.

Who could ever love someone trapped, chained to a bed?

A bed of lies you dragged around all day.

With every doubt, every fear whispered,

where could you turn if you thought no one would listen?

 

Obviously there was something wrong,

if you couldn’t even feel.

Your heart was so strained,

Your soul in such pain.

Dear God sweet girl, how did you not go insane?

 

For years you trapped the anguish inside,

the love, the lust, the anger, the pride.

The righteous indignation,

the scorn, the cries.

And the unquenched ocean,

the sea of sadness encroaching your life.

It scratched at you,

you once called it a knife.

 

A dull blade, blunted on your emotions,

sharpened with your soul.

You created a world,

a place you could be whole.

 

Every time you woke,

so would this world.

A place of safety,

a place warmth and hope.

 

But as the pressure, however nonexistent, piled on,

you found it slipping, you began to run.

In your mind and body, you ran for dear life,

your grasp on your self-worth carved with a knife.

You could no longer feel the warmth of my love,

the hot kiss of anger and fear grew strong.

 

Panicking you finally called me,

with a convoluted story and tears on your cheeks.

 

Terror seized me as I fear the worst.

Holes in your memory, death at your door.

We got through it and we sent you off once more.

I waited impatiently, fear creeping to me once more.

 

The next call I got, with such bad news,

something I’d never considered or viewed.

You hadn’t felt in many long years,

I could hear your anger through your tears.

 

The fury you knew in your early days,

you had only pushed it down, in fear of your rage.

Afraid to lash out, you turn the other cheek,

but you simply locked it up and swallowed the key.

 

But anger is sadness, so it was locked to.

Fear followed sadness, though it didn’t go quietly,

Love and happiness seemed to go angrily.

If you lock up one, the rest will follow,

it threw you off balance, you said you were so hollow.

 

You felt empty and wrong, and feared for you life.

How could you stand walking that knife?

So we brought you home and let you vent.

 

Every story digging deeper into my soul.

I felt I had failed you,

I had done something wrong.

 

We had seen you withdraw,

so we did our best, not to push,

not to tug, we only meant the best.

 

You said you understood,

that you wouldn’t have responded,

but we only wish we had stopped it.

 

Stopped your pain and your fear.

Smothered you will love.

 

So you spoke with a woman,

to help you sort out,

everything you though you were,

and what you were now.

 

We talked and cried,

laughed and you lied.

It is hard and difficult,

but worth it all.

You are my moon and stars,

And I will give you it all.

 

As I picked up your pieces,

as I watched you through your eyes.

I realized I left you alone.

For my good intentions, I must atone.

 

So we opened the windows,

we pushed just enough.

Through tears, through fights,

we told you get up.

 

You deserve better,

for you and you alone.

You must do the best for you

and yourself alone.

 

Be selfish, and know that I love you.

I love you with each cell in my body.

I would live, die, and kill for you,

you’re not just anyone.

 

I gave you life with my body.

 

I gave you my time and my energy back then,

I continue to do so, it will never end.

 

For you are worth more than you think,

more than you know.

You are loved with every step you take,

with every hair you grow.

 

It is beautiful hair, you have been told before.

I will say it again, until my throat grows sore.

I will move the earth to love you.

I will still the stars to hold you.

 

You are mine, my sweet girl.

Nothing will change my love.

It will never cease its growth.

 

My heart feels rested with each new smile on your face.

Every genuine word crossing your lips.

We have far to travel,

places we have yet to go.

But you aren’t afraid to ask,

or unafraid to say no.

 

You feel safe in conversations,

you shy away less.

Dear God it makes me happy,

to see you untroubled, without stress.

 

I know it’s still there,

the worry and fear.

But you seem to know

I am here.

 

I am here for you my love,

my eldest child.

 

I am here for your mistakes and successes.

Your ups and downs.

Your rises and falls.

I am your mother.

I will be here for it all.

 

Until my last breath I will hold you tight

When gone I’ll watch as you sleep every night.

My words unheard, I will always say,

I love you sweet girl, even past my dying day.

 

Forbidden Intoxication

The hot taste in my mouth.

Sweat breaking out on skin.

Breathing shallow.

Pupils dilating.

Heat.

Friction.

Oh God the friction!

Eyes rolling back.

The desire, the call.

The irrefutable call for more.

The scents and smells a delicacy.

The taste, oh God the taste on my tongue,

But to touch? To feel?

Opium. Heroin. Cocaine. Destructively blissful addiction.

The high is naught but up, and up.

Up, up,

Dear God the Precipice.

God was dancing in my veins.

Gasping as searing heat rushes through me.

I give the devil his due;

there are vices worse.

Body cooled,

loose and numb.

It called. I called for it.

Craving knocked.

I answered.

Again.

Dear God Again.

Rising to the peaks of mountains

And again God danced in my veins, coursing through this body.

And again the heat spread.

Friction pulled.

Drowning in intoxication.

Succumbing to endless highs and relentless addictive pleasure.

Such bliss,

always restricted.

Dear god why hide this high?

The aching climb to impossible heights?

It is forbidden.

It is so much sweeter this way.

I rise higher than before,

each time more than the last.

Until finally,

God dances one last time.

Fury Reigns

They laughed,

they taunted and jeered.

They did not listen,

they did not heed.

So you demand they bleed.

You can’t!

Each word a blow,

each laugh, a knife slipping between skin and bone.

They find their words have a home,

imbedded in you.

Their laughter a knife for their aching.

Don’t!

Your body shaking, desperate to hold it in,

desperate to release the beast within.

One push here, one push there.

Told to bring it down, to trap every word,

told to trap the feelings.

Please!

You push and shove,

tremble and ache.

Until a door has been locked.

Until no key can be found.

The beast is safe, fury cannot reign.

Why? What have I done?

Silence

Slumber.

The words soon follow.

The laughter.

The harsh words and sneers.

Every jeer; shoved aside

safely stored below.

Why?

The years go by,

unable to cry.

Heart unable to beat,

with nothing to beat for.

False smiles.

A zombie,

afraid to feel.

Unable to.

Afraid to.

Every action planned.

Every word evaluated.

Can you hear me?

Fear,

panic,

desire,

paranoia.

Mounting, building.

Desperation;

everything had just been built.

Yet tip toed on the blade of their knives.

NO!

Farther and farther it fell.

Key lost and gate buried.

Desperation building.

Anguish and pain.

The desperation of misunderstanding plaguing its shell.

Building.

Building.

Building.

Until…

The tear falls,

the words come.

Every word,

every utterance of hate,

every whisper of love,

every murmur of happiness and uncertainty bubbles and overflow.

Warmth enveloping every inch of skin.

Kind words and warmth like a battering ram,

opening a damn;

opening the gate,

smashing like glass.

As water is poured on the charred remnats,

the words begin to echo,

a cacophony of anguish.

Where were they?

When the pain an anguish hurt too much to be felt?

Why couldn’t they hear?

Why didn’t they see?

Every demand was a knife to the soul,

a piece of heart cracked and shattered?!

Why did they trap me?

Even beasts long to be seen, to be loved.

Why!

Didn’t!

They!

See!

And the beast emerges.

Like flames doused in gasoline,

burning hotter than before.

Consuming all in its path,

damage done to given damage.

Words flowing faster than a river running,

eloquence incites the flames.

Your flaming knife seeking a target,

words spilling from your hearth.

Flames climbing higher and higher,

seeking fuel from within.

Consuming everything of yourself.

Smoke rising higher for all to see.

The delectable stream of power,

the warmth spread through veins.

The heat spreading,

muscle tensing,

delicious symphony of tempered malice and righteous fury.

It is power,

thrumming through every cell.

Greed and gluttony,

love and lust,

all pale in your fury.

These mean nothing,

they meant nothing before,

they will mean nothing now.

Invincible, indestructible

it seeps into your core, raging forward.

Lashing out in crests and waves.

Ground trembling beneath each step

euphoria and elation.

Riding higher and higher on

winds of fury, waves never cresting;

blinded to all but what is sought.

Justice and vengeance,

no difference, no distinction.

Naught but the power in your veins;

Fury reigns.

Even as it echoes through every cell,

as the power surges through veins

as skin heats and blazes,

water cannot help but run.

You cannot reign in fury unleashed.

So destruction is wrought to all in your path;

until it can no longer consume.

Until the flame climbs too high to be fed.

And it collapses.

Consuming you.

A pile damp wood remains.

Fury has reigned.

You are found wanting.

Ache

Hidden beneath every breath,

Imbedded in every movement.

In and out,

each breath pulling it in.

The tug in your chest;

The pain in your heart.

Eyes watching from a distance,

watering with the pain.

The longing and despair,

as you watch.

Words trapped behind you lips,

breath caught in your chest.

To speak would detract all meaning;

silence is your only choice.

It lifts as a smile graces your face,

and it crashes.

Every word uttered,

every angle read.

They scream wrongness,

a mistake you’ve made.

A wrong you’ve done,

a lie you’ve told.

How can you return to a lighter place if every word uttered,

every action you desire,

you fear retaliation?

It is a lie you’ve told,

it caresses you and gives no solace but familiarity.

Its sly words echo doubt.

Your chest aches and longs,

for something so gentle and warm.

But you believe the lie,

far easier to be hurt,

than trust.

So you ache,

day in day out;

soaking yourself in false doubt.