Near Death Experiences: Lee and Khaki Jones

Olivia was sitting in the passenger seat of her car. Fletch in the driver’s side. Fletch was driving down the road. The car was silent. Fletch opened her mouth to speak before closing it.

“I hate you.” Olivia said, a dark look on her face.

“I’m sorry. It was an accident.” Fletch said

“Remind me again what we’re doing here.”

“Leaving so we can go cave exploring.”

“You should’ve let me deck him.”


“You decked him, twice.”

“He tasered me when I was clearly defending myself. That deserves at least three punches to the face.”

“Remind me to never make you angry.”

“I always do. Why are we looking for this bear again?”

“We’re not looking for a bear.”

“Oh, right. Never mind.”

“You got tasered, I think some confusion is acceptable.”

Fletch continued driving down the small road, the highway visible in the distance.

“STOP! PERSON!” Olivia shouted, a tall dark haired woman waltzing into the road without a care in the world. She was attired like some kind of Indiana Jones impersonator. Her dark curly hair tied up behind her, a safari looking hat on her head. Olivia thought it should be illegal to look that good in all khaki cargo wear.

Fletch stomped on the brakes, skidding to a stop. The woman was already on the other side of the road, leaping over the fence, her massive backpack (which neither had noticed) not weighing her down.

Our intrepid duo watched as the caramel skinned woman sprinted across the field, massive backpack bouncing behind her. They glanced at each other. Fletch floored it. Neither had any desire to go back to the town which considered a bear getting out to be a normal occurrence, or a woman crossing the road in front of car without a second thought

Three days later we later find our intrepid duo, bedraggled, exhausted, and smelling slightly of singed hair stumbling out of the car and (somehow) into their motel room. Olivia face plants onto the bed and knows no more

Olivia woke up to a knock at the door. She groaned, drool on the pillow and on her face. The knocking continued until she turned over onto her back and groaned, “I’m coming, gimme a second.”

Blinking slowly, squinting, and rubbing her eyes, she stared up at the ceiling. She furrowed her brow. It looked strange. Shrugging it off, the member of our intrepid duo stood up, still rubbing her eyes and walked to the door, flinging it open.

It was a nurse. Olivia was very confused. She glanced down the hallway. She appeared to be in a hospital. The nurse was eyeing Olivia with some trepidation. She appeared to be young, but Olivia chose not to underestimate her. Nurses were not to be messed with.

“I’m in a hospital.” Olivia said in surprise. She looked at the nurse.

“You actually waited for me to answer the door. Huh. That was terribly polite of you.” Olivia said, still surprised. The last three days of driving were all likely a vivid dream.

“May I come in?” The nurse asked, still wary of the person who decided to fight a bear. Olivia stood to the side to allow the nurse in.

“I’m Lee, I’ll be your nurse for today. I just need to check over your vitals and your injuries.”

“Injuries?” Olivia queried. The nurse nodded, slipping a pressure cuff up her arm and a pulse oxygen monitor on her finger.

“Yes, you’ve got bruising on your face front a punch, the entry injuries from the tasering, bruising side from the subsequent fall and bruising on your knuckles when you woke up an promptly decked the Sheriff. And yet no injuries from attacking a bear.” She frowned, “I’m honestly surprised you didn’t fracture anything, he’s lucky nothing cracked. What’d you deck him for?”

“He tazed me while I was defending myself from some dude. As for Tommy, I got lucky.” The nurses eyebrow’s disappeared into her hairline.

“Well I hope your summer is far less… eventful.”

“I try.”

“Then tell me why I get the feeling you are very unsuccessful in that regard.” Olivia shrugged at this.

“Honestly I’d have more injuries if it wasn’t for my friend Fletch. She the leveled headed normal one.”

Fletch chose that moment to burst through the door, unusually exuberant.

“OLIVIA!” They jumped, “I brought your favorites! Donuts, eggs Benedict, two glasses of orange juice, sausage, water, and I even managed to sneak in some vodka! All I had to do was put it in this water bottle!” Fletch said, a wide grin on her face. She looked so proud of herself. Her face fell the moment she realized a nurse was in the room.

“I didn’t actually bring vodka because that would be wrong of me.” Fletch said, nervous. The nurse sighed and continued with her poking and prodding.

“The normal one huh?” Lee said with a raised eyebrow. Fletch looked a bit like a bewildered puppy dog.

Olivia began to giggle, then chuckle, then she let loose a but gusting laugh. She was suddenly hit on the head. She stopped abruptly, Lee had bopped her on the head with a newspaper.

“You’re just going to aggravate your injuries. I going to have them send discharge papers, I don’t want to see you in here again. As for you!” Lee turned and pointed at Fletch, who still looked like a deer in the headlights, “You bring enough vodka for the rest of us next time. Or just take me out to a bar so I can forget all the weird shit this town brings in.” She said, grabbing the water bottle and marching out the door.

“Lord knows we don’t need another Lo’ Rivers. That girl gets injured enough with out her crazy ass doing shit like befriending Tommy and Leroy.”

Fletch and Olivia watched as she made her way down the hall muttering about the crazy people in the town.

“I’m in love.” Fletch said. Olivia snorted.

“Why? Because you both complain about all the weird ass shit that happens?” Fletch gave Olivia a bleary glare.

“Do you want this food or not?”

“Gimme!” Olivia exclaimed, reaching out like a child. She sighed contentedly as she consumed her food.

One set of discharge papers, a change of clothes, and a wheelchair later, Olivia found herself seated comfortably in the passengers seat of her car. Vodka in hand they were about to drive away when Tommy showed up, an Indiana Jones look alike chasing behind him.

“Tommy you asshole give it back you little fucker.” She shouted. Olivia stared.

“Who the fuck is that?!”

“That’s Lauren ‘Lo” Rivers. You were awake when she showed up, Tommy following behind her like some kind of dog. You called her ‘illegally attractive Khaki Jones’. Then you decked the Sheriff.”

Olivia thought for a moment.

“I remember nothing. Lets go help her.” Olivia opened the door and hopped out.

“Get the fuck back in the car!” Fletch shouted, scrambling over to Olivia who was now watching Tommy run in circles around Khaki Jones

“Need some help?” Olivia shouted. The woman looked over at them. Her smile seemed to daze Olivia. ‘Christ’ thought Fletch, she’s a fucking goner.

“Nah! I’m good, thanks though! Tommy! Get back here you- omph!” She replied before being bowled over with a nudge from Tommy’s giant head.

Olivia and Fletch ran over. Tommy simply ignored them. Doctors and nurses passing by ignored the bear woman duo, further surprising our intrepid duo. Tommy shocked them further by licking the face of ‘Khaki Jones’.

“YOU FUCKER! I just got my fucking mane under control!” She groaned, “Give me my fucking bag back and I won’t shave you while you’re hibernating. Tommy actually seemed mortified at the thought.

“Am I still unconscious Fletch?” Olivia muttered. Fletch shook her head, the two of them in shock.

“Man, Lee was right, this town is crazy as fuck.” Fletch muttered. She dragged her friend to the car and forcibly shoved her into the seat. Olivia kept staring at Khaki Jones, a glazed look on her face.

Fletch took that opportunity to floor it until they were at the city limits. Olivia snapped out of her daze the second Fletch floored it and spent the entire ride to the town limits begging Fletch to take them back to Khaki Jones. Fletch spent that ride reminding her that Khaki Jones had a real name, which was Lauren Rivers AKA Lo’ Rivers.

This of course turned into Olivia coming up with all sorts of “glorious nicknames” for Khaki Jones, and Lee the Nurse of Awesomeness. Fletch really wished she’d just let them drug Olivia.

Six hours later they found themselves at a bar. A bar which Fletch almost burned down.



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