Near Death Experiences: The Drive

The one bonus aspect of being Olivia’s friend were the epic road trips. Epic in that she could make you laugh so hard your abs would be sore the next day. Snacks, music, and humor were always involved. Running gags and lewd jokes were the theme this time around and both Fletch and Olivia were trying to outdo each other with “that’s what she said jokes.” In all honesty this was probably what brought them together in the first place.

They were driving up to Carlsbad from Dallas, a city they loved, with constant construction they hated, Fletch more so. Fletch could rattle off the names of every single construction site in Dallas, that’s how much she ranted about it. Olivia took it in stride considering Fletch put up with her crazy conversational tangents.

This is where we find out intrepid duo, Olivia the optimistic driver whilst Fletch the fervent fiercely facilitates her fiery fury about construction.

“…it’s been fifteen years! You think they’d be done by now!” Fletch exclaims, gesturing wildly, a bottle of water in her left hand. She nearly brains Olivia who merely moves her head to the side. Olivia has a pleasant smile on her face, enjoying her friend’s grumblings. She’d heard Fletch complain about the roads so much, she could predict Fletch’s next comment.

Said comment is forestalled by a huge truck, engine roaring, music blaring as it passes by; the driver is a college aged male, wearing a snap back, sunglasses, and a polo. Fletch rolled her eyes. Combine his outfit with the 4×4 truck with oversized tires, and the black smoke billowing our the back, Fletch deemed the truck driving gentleman: Sir Mini-Penis.

Olivia and Fletch glanced at each other and then back at the road before rolling their eyes. Olivia took a long drink of her water.

“Do you think there’s a formula for the ratio of truck to dick size?” Fletch asked. Olivia choked on her water, coughing severely. Fletch pounded her on the back as Olivia wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I don’t know, you’re the number cruncher.” She finally said, once she’d regained her breath. Fletch cocked her head for a moment, as if considering something before shaking her head.

“Nah, too much effort right now. Besides, it more of a data than number issue.” Fletch said with a chuckle. Olivia rolled her eyes, and focused on the road. Fletch picked back up on her road ramble, and all was well again.

A few hours passed before they saw Sir Little Dick’s truck in the rearview mirror. I say saw, they heard the blaring music long before it was even a speck in the distance. Fletch still doesn’t understand how it was possible. Olivia claimed it was the power of the douche. Fletch figured that was the best explanation she’d heard and the only one she’d ever get.

The intrepid duo change lanes in anticipation for Little Dick’s need for speed. And they wait. But not for long.

It takes a second before either Olivia or Fletch can fully comprehend it, but it appears Sir Little Dick’s truck is literally blazing by. His muffler is dragging on the ground. Sir Little Dick’s Truck, and Olivia’s Honda. Fletch groans; this is the exact situation she wanted to avoid this summer.


“I’m on it.” Fletch sighs, pulling out her phone to call the police. Hopefully they’ll be able to pull over this dude. Fletch’s phone immediately stops the call. The car accelerates.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Fletch demands.

“I trying to catch this pendejo!”


“Because his car is on fire!! And we’re in the middle of nowhere!” Olivia exclaimed. 

“Why not call the cops?!”

“We’re in the middle of fucking Texas in a fucking valley! There’s no goddamned service anywhere!” Olivia shouts. They’re both panicking at this point. Fletch whimpers and slides down in her seat, clutching the sides of her chair. The speedometer is ticking closer to 100 now.

“What’s your plan?” Fletch moans. She hates it when this happens. Olivia looks intense, and at the question begins to chew her lip. Brow furrowing in thought. Fletch bangs her head against the window. She doesn’t have a plan.

“Okay, let NOT wing this dangerous thing we’re currently doing.” Fletch says. Olivia shoots her a glare. They’re gaining on Sir Little Dick’s truck, the fire still low to the ground.

“ROAD!” Fletch shouts. Olivia jerks the wheel a bit. She glares at Fletch again before biting out, “Don’t freak me out like that!”

“Don’t make dangerous decisions!”

“We can’t let him die!”

“Statistically improbable!”

“You’d feel guilty for a decade!”

“You’d feel guilty your whole life!”

There was a pause. Olivia thought about it for a moment, then nodded.

“I’m going to get in front of him and slow down until I can block the whole road.”

Fletch paused at Olivia’s words. It was probably their only option. A crazy dangerous option, but really their only option. Fletch glanced at her phone. No signal. Probably another twenty miles before they had any, and another eighty before a police officer would be close enough to stop Little Dick.

“That’s going to be dangerous.”

“Yeah but what’s life without danger.” Olivia said with a grin.

“Why are we friends again?” Fletch muttered. She held up her hand as Olivia opened her mouth, “That was rhetorical Ordmann!”

Tiny Dick’s bumper was on fire now. Olivia was less than twenty feet away. However it seemed Tiny Dick did not appreciate people being so close to his compensation, sorry, car. He accelerated, pulling away from them.

“What the hell dude!” Olivia exclaimed indignantly, “We’re trying to save your ass!” Fletch rolled her eyes.

Olivia narrowed her eyes, eyed the gas gauge, and floored it. Fletch lurched backwards into her seat while Olivia began to weave through the turns.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god.” Fletch whispered under her breath. She spared a glance at Olivia. A joyful grin was spread across her face. She was enjoying this?! Fletch thought to herself. This bitch was such a damn speed demon. Fletch searched the road helplessly for another car, grappling with her phone, holding it up to find our intrepid duo still without signal.

On Olivia’s end, she was enjoying the ride; oh sure, she was nervous and had no idea what was going to happen, but like Fletch had said: she’d never be able to forgive herself if she could’ve done something and didn’t. It made more sense to enjoy the ride. So, much to Fletch and Tiny Dick’s dismay, she began to overtake the truck.

If she’d cared to glance at Tiny Dick, she’d have noted he was rather irate and gesturing rudely. Fletch however did notice, and decided file it away for when Olivia inevitably saved this dude. It’d be great to rub in his face when he realized what an asshole he’d been. Fletch pondered for a moment if she had the potential to be as petty as congress. Nah, she didn’t have the time for that.

Olivia was almost ahead of Tiny Dick when she saw another car ahead in the distance.

“Oh shit.” She muttered. Fletch straightened. That car was going to get rear ended if Olivia didn’t pull some fancy schmancy driving. Olivia began to edge over into Tiny Dick’s lane. Tiny Dick was now clearly making all sorts of lewd gestures and yelling. Our duo didn’t even have to ignore him, they simply couldn’t give two shits about his inadequacies

“Fletch roll down your window and tell him his dick is on fire!” Olivia ordered. Fletch gave her an incredulous look.

“A bit late for that since we’re passing him isn’t it?” 


“Fine.” Fletch grumbled. She rolled her window down. For some reason Tiny Dick decided to turn off his music and roll down his window. Not to listen to Fletch, but to yell at her.

“You fucking bitches! What the fucking hell do y’all think you’re doing?!” He screamed. Fletch was irritated now. They were going 120 and a mile away from a tiny little Mazda. So Fletch did the only thing she could do. She threw her water bottle at him and rolled up her window. Olivia was straddling both lanes now. 

“We wouldn’t be in this situation if this idiot payed attention. Olivia, make this little dick suffer. ” Fletch spat. Olivia groaned.

“If we die Fletch, I’m blaming you.”

“Fine, but you owe me ice cream.”

Olivia pulled in front of Little Dick, she was a car length a head. He eyes flickering between the road ahead and the Little Dick behind. for every swerve Little Dick made, Olivia cut him off, all the while, forcing him to slow. The Mazda was close, and Olivia made an executive decision. She straddled both lanes, hoping to keep little Dick from blasting off and praying the Mazda would stay in its lane. 

No plan survives first contact with the enemy. Or Mazdas. The little Mazda decided to be smart but inconvenient for the purposes of Olivia’s goals. It pulled off on the side of the road, hoping the Crazy Honda Lady and Little Dick (we later find out Mazda driver calls him Compensator) will pass her.

Crazy Honda Lady and Compensator pass Mazda, who’s frantically phoning the police. She miraculously has a signal. The conversation which follows is reminiscent of a bunch of old people yelling “What?!?”, as the crazed drivers blow by.  Mazda, in her frantic panic, failed to notice the black smoke and flames emanating from Compensation’s truck, though given that his exhaust is fucked up, and she was freaked out, the mistake is understandable. Somehow Mazda gets the message across: two crazy drivers on 35 trying to kill each other. She gets a response that leaves her relieved. Four squad cars and a bunch of tacks are being dispatched.

A quarter-mile ahead, Olivia gets a gut feeling things around going to get plenty more complicated.



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